Boo this man

Nice recap paul

The Arts

Fedor Schmidt Photography

A really talented photographer - It's not p0rn - but it's close - I would not open it at work.

My company's "rule of thumb policy" applies here: If you wouldn't open it in front of your Mother, don't open it at work."

Enjoy it later though.

At least Pryor is a "Flame" this week...

Hemrick! You can almost field a full team...

ouch...

Paul Cirpiano: Fare thee well

The Tom Brady Show (1-7) died Monday after a long and painful eight week battle with irrelevancy. TTBS seemed healthy and hearty coming into the season; hope and arrogance were high. After the first two weeks TTBS was clearly rattled; we all feared for his well-being, but with a week three rally, it was thought he was out of the woods. Alas, it was not to be so. His condition, and his record, continued to deteriorate. And, despite all attempts to revive him (43 moves), TTBS was lost. 

He is survived by eight better and more qualified teams. In lieu of flowers, please leave degrading and insulting comments. 

R.I.P "The Tom Brady Show"

Points For: 1156.57

Points Against: 1350.69

Written by Bryan Cox, Eugoogalizer 

Transaction Analysis

We have a trade to announce:

To The Tom Brady Show: RGIII (that's Robert Griffin the Third) and Ray Rice

To Came-ron Yo Face: Andrew Luck and Gio Bernard

Hill was dying to make this trade.  I kind of looked at it and thought, hey Ray Rice has a better chance to produce than Bernard, and RGIII might outscore Luck the rest of the year, so sure.  Also, none of this really matters for me anymore, but IF Ray Rice bounces back (and he said he's finally getting healthy after a hip injury) than this is big win for me (even though it doesn't matter).

Hill gets the best player in the deal thru the first 8 weeks in Luck.  He also gets a potential game breaker in Bernard, but it doesn't look like that time share with The Law Firm is going away.  I think he would've been better off with RGIII and hoping for a Rice rebound than doing this deal, but ultimately I think he'll be fine anyway.

So that's it.  Recap tomorrow.

Breaking News

Mr. McGibblets has taken over Sandwich Fest!

He also jumps pole positions....but I don't really understand that reference...

Sandwich Fest Eulogy Contest

So for every team that gets eliminated, I plan to do a eulogy for them.  Unfortunately, I'm first and don't particularly want to eulogize myself.  So I'm putting it out there to the league, enjoy, have at it, and rip me a new one as we bury The Tom Brady Show for the season.

*I called this a contest but you can't really win anything.  Maybe a beer?  Ok, a beer.  

My Fantasy Season in One Gif

(let's go islanders)

SMACK TALK TIME IS BACK!!!!

Week 8

Red Headed Stepchild vs Lacy In Your Facey

Sometimes kickers have better things to do than be on my fantasy roster.

2 WRs from the same team... Unheard of!!!

Fitzgerald: 14.80 Points

Floyd: 12.00 Points

Mine was better than yours!!!!

19.70 Points

0.16 Points

Mine IS better than yours!!!!

3.50 Points - Beast

14.20 Points - Pussy

'Red Headed Tom Brady' 

(Not Tom Brady from this year though. Tom Brady from like all those years where he set records and won Super Bowls. Even the ones were he lost the 2 Super Bowls against the New York Football Giants, when the New York Football Giants were really good)

34.00

Random Tom Brady Picture:

THIS IS ONLY A TEST

Just making sure this Blog still works

"I like pineapples..."

Week 7 Power Rankings

Only six more weeks until playoffs! For those of you who are 1-6 - I'm sorry (but not really); for everybody else, the playoffs are still a distinct possibility - just look at Hemrick, the flamer. And on that note, I think the power rankings need to be updated.

I'm also going to rank more specifically - let's see...

1. Mr. McGibblets
I feel kind of arrogant posting this, but I can't overlook six wins in a row with a weekly avg. point total of about 160. I've got a squad which seems to post consistently mediocre stats which on a cumulative basis outperform the rest. Until it's proven otherwise - I'm staying here.

My name is on that trophy for a reason

2. 'Came'-ron your face!
Let RG3 run and your team will play better. He'll need this boost as Hill's team has a lot of injuries and bye's this week. QB2 will be an issue as both his backups are hurt (so he'll just pick up every available QB) - though I can't imagine Forte's value goes down at all so that's positive, at least. He's got some depth but will need a little bit of luck this week to stay on top and will need his squad to get healthy to stay there.

Every picture I could have posted here is against my company's IT policy. 

3. Lacy in your Facey

His namesake finally seems to be paying off! Had a rough week without Matt Ryan and may struggle going forward without Bradford.  Not that he was spectacular, but this is a 2QB league and having only one viable option is rough and our depth on the wire in our league is awfully thin (looks like Ryan Fitzpatrick is available though - better get him quick before Hill picks him up too). Despite this, and his recent struggles, I still think they're a top competitor in this league.

I'm so pretty

4. Flames

Look at this fucking guy. Three wins in a row scoring 565 pts. It's not a strategy I like - but he's stacked his squad with some of the most talented people on two powerful teams. As before, as long as Denver, and to a lesser degree, Detroit, keep playing at a high-level, Hemrick will continue to do well.  For reasons against this strategy - please look at his week 9 matchup. (too much work? i don't blame you. week 9 byes: Decker, Blackmon, Moreno, J. Thomas, Bush, Stafford, Calvin Johnson).

How many wet-dreams about me have you had these past three weeks?

5. The Holo what?
Wins the Peyton Manning lottery! He has an awful two weeks worth of bye's coming up though and when you lose those two games, you're going to be in rough shape. At full strength I like this team, he'll need to have a strong end to his season, but I think he makes it - as long as Arian Foster gets / stays healthy.

nope. not googling this one either.

6. PromNiteDumpsterBaby
Not sure why you're not doing better. Losing Wanye hurts, but I think you're in a position to make a comeback here. Aaron Rodgers to Jordy Nelson. I'm not sure Douglas is a flash-in-the-pan; we'll see how he responds to tighter coverage / more attention this week. Having a Redskins running back is painful, but FJax seems to be holding up well and Jimmy Graham should return to being Jimmy Graham soon.

Obligatory James Graham breathing fire picture.

7. Hill Hunter
Sadly, a 16pt game from Eli is considered a resurgence (no picks - hooray!), so this will help his team. Gronk's return is obviously a boon and even as poor as Tom Brady is playing (in fantasy-world), he'll be targeted approximately 83 times per game so he'll put points up regardless. His RB's continue to be strong and there's no indication that will change. His WR's are decent but nothing great. I hate that you're in fourth place. Overall, I feel like your team gets together and decides what the minimal level of effort is to win and it does just that. I think your point total will kill you in the end...

James Guerriero before James Guerriero ate James Guerriero

8. Red Headed Stepchild
I thought Mike's running game was going to be awesome. It really never panned out. CJ Spiller? DMC? T-Rich? While Denarius Moore seems to be a potent weapon in Oakland it doesn't make up for how poor Fitzy has been this year. I also think Smoking Jay's injury hurts Marshall. I'd be pretty damn frustrated if this was me.

9. Balls Deep
As much as I love Scott Giaimo (despite his season-long absence from posting insane sexual conquest stories), his team never got to firing on all cylinders. Under-performers and now injuries are going to put this team to bed. Kaepernick is running a bit more, but losing Cobb hurts. I would include Martin here, but losing him probably won't make much difference. CJ2K shows flashes of his former-self but it too never fully materialized. He needs Vick back and he needs either Stacy or somebody else to fill the void in his RB pool.

The worst ninja ever - I can see you right there.

10. The Tom Brady Show

Oh, Paul. What can I say? You pulled off a really good trade with Joe. Overall, I think it was pretty fair. Getting Gonzo as well as AJ Green was huge, and you have to continue to hope that with Gronk back Tom Brady will play more to the level he's expected to play. Poor timing for you to have Luck on a bye here. You're close to that point where you'll need to win-out in order to get a playoff spot. 

too many google image results  for "loser"

Week 7 Recap

Will the commish go into hiding with a 1-6 record?  No.  He will hold his head high and attempt to finish this season strong!  Or something.  Actually this will be pretty light, because I'm busy and also I'm 1-6.

Speaking of shitty teams, hey, look at Brown's team.  He allowed Bry win with a pretty unspectacular score.  Bry has some power rankings all ready to go, I bet I know who #1 is in his head (even though the standings say otherwise).  That Vincent Jackson pick up is working nicely, although he did give up Knowshon and is now a little running back light, considering AP is shitty now.  He gets Sproles back this week though.

Brown lost Reggie Wayne, which is devastating.  Also devastating? His overall point total.  Also his Judaism. And Martellus Bennett.  This is all pretty depressing.

Joe gets a much needed win to get himself back into a playoff spot and pull ahead of Mintz, knocking him down to 7th.  Don't worry guys, I'm thinking of expanding the playoffs to 10 teams this year.  I mean, we're in a new age where nobody loses and everyone gets a trophy right?

Anyway, Joe's new Peyton Manning pickup paid off for him and so did Danny Woodhead.  The team that gave them up must've been pretty good huh?  (nope).  Jerm Finley did not work out so well, but he did get Jordan Reed so that should carry him.  If his WR's produce, he should make the playoffs.

I told Mike last night, his team was awesome in Week negative 1.  Preseason rankings probably had Mike pretty high, but nothing shows how short his guys have fallen quite like first around picks Trent Richardson and CJ Spiller combining for 5.4 points.  Wow.  At least Red Tom Brady is back.

Gotta be honest, everything has fallen right here for Hemrick.  Blackmon means he doesn't miss VJax.  Knowshon gets a TD every week.  Megatron is coming on.  And his other two Broncos appear to be Manning's favorite targets.  Seems like every couple of weeks the favorites change in this league, but Hemrick is among them right now.

Speaking of favorites changing, Matt/Sean are now 3-4 and in 5th place.  All of a sudden their WRs aren't producing, and their flex QB is now Geno Smith (I think - I looked this morning).  At least Matt Ryan came through with limited options to throw to.

Finally someone failed to hit a decent total against me and I still couldn't win.  Losing Woodhead left me thin at RB and Bernard just isn't cutting it.  Luck was great, but the Tom Brady Show was not and it cost me.

The Cut scored -5 and I still lost.  Ouch.  Hill will need to be better to keep his bye.

Hill Hunter is hanging in there as Scott's free fall will only be cushioned by the crap that is The Tom Brady Show below him.  Not even Chris Givens in the flex could stop Hill Hunter from climbing into 4th place.  Scott lost Doug Martin and is now in even more trouble.  I'm petering out here.  Not much left to say.  This was a pathetic effort, let's be honest.  I'll make up for it next week.  Maybe.  Sorry.  Take it away Bry!

Paul knows how to compliment the ladies....

What's Fantasy Football?

Paul is our friend

if he asks any of you for a 6' length of rope - DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM

1-6, ha!

OH YEAAAAHHH!!!!

(via Deadspin)

Monday Implications

This is an easy one this week, which is good because no one has really been reading/posting on this blog anyway, so I can save myself some time.

Only one game remains in play (although Brown can win if his kicker gets 21 points) and it's Balls Deep v Hill Hunter.  James is up 2.3 points on Scott with Eli still to go.  Scott has Victor Cruz.  The most likely scenario sees Victor Cruz getting 5 catches for 67 yards for a nice 11 point game, while Eli no doubt will fumble twice, get sacked 5 times, throw 3 picks and make a lot of faces like this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

Prediction: Scott wins.

Bad Lip Reading

Is Paul trading Peyton or is he just a...

...procrastinator

Peyton Manning Watch 2013!!!!

It's 1:36pm.  I have 5 offers in from 4 different managers, one of which is really good and I almost took already.

Are you going to miss out on the opportunity to have a 4-time NFL MVP on your roster?

UPDATE 3:27 PM

No new offers have come in for the best quarterback in the NFL and in fantasy football.

Only 4 teams so far.  Unreal.  You have until 7pm.  WHO WANTS PEYTON MANNING?

One offer stands out and will get accepted at 7pm.  Is it your main competition for a bye? A playoff spot?  Don't let someone else become the favorite!!!

New Coach, New Identity

"I'd like to thank you all for coming today.

When we announced on Wednesday that we had fired our coach, we promised more changes would be coming, and today, I'd like to announce that change.  Although the general manager has been hard at work, looking to shake up the roster, it appears Peyton Manning and Jamaal Charles are not appealing to the other teams in the league, even though they are #1 in their respective positions in points scored.....but I digress.

We're here today to announce a change we can control, the hiring of our new coach.  Ladies and Gentlemen..."

I know everyone is trying to get Bowe from Paul but...

Dwayne Bowe, Chiefs: I'm sorry, America. I have no idea why Kansas City paid this guy so much money if it's not gonna try to get him more involved. I don't buy the "He's washed up and slower" talk. Just seems this offense has gone super-conservative, which, sadly for Bowe owners, is working for KC, so I don't see this changing. Bowe has yet to catch more than four passes or go for more than 58 yards in a game this season. Sigh. Brutal matchup as well, as no team has allowed fewer receptions or receiving yards to opposing wide receivers than the Texans.

I was going to post a joke about my penis

but it's too long

We take a moment to not talk about sports....

Well this is no longer... the government is back to work... so w/ the government back at work, that means

This guy is as well...

 

Congrats Hemrick...you are now like the rest of us... (cept for this guy)

 

 

Stay Classy Joe...

 

Paul Cipriano Fired As Manager Of McManning Face!

A statement from McManning Face GM, Paul Cipriano:

"This is obviously a very difficult day for this organization.  The decision to let myself go as manager was not one that I took lightly.  But after several weeks of the manager continually starting Dwayne Bowe, after it was clear he was useless, and despite repeated requests by management to sit his ass down, we had no choice but to make a change.

This organization strives for excellence each season.  Our owner demands it.  I demand it.  And most importantly our fans demand it.  One win in six games is unacceptable.  Hopefully a new coach with a fresh message and new voice can spur some underachieving players to reach the level expected of them prior to the season.

I want to thank Paul for all he did for this organization.  We will cherish the championship forever.  Now we look forward to more championships as we open up a new chapter in this franchise's history.  We anticipate a new will be in place in time for our upcoming matchup."


A statement from former McManning Face Manager, Paul Cipriano:

"Well, this season certainly has been a shock for me.  Coming into the year, I had high hopes for the squad our management team put together.  Hours of research prior to the draft led to us fielding a competitive roster, but one that could not overcome some bad bounces.  I still believe this team has a chance to reach the playoffs, but our record is not up to the standards this organization strives to reach, and therefore changes need to be made.

I want to thank our fans for their support and kind words during this tough stretch.  I want to thank management for this opportunity.  I was proud to lead this team to a championship only two seasons ago.  I know with the leadership in place, this team will not give up, and will once again reach the standards expected by the fans, the players and the owner.

I ask that you please respect my and my families privacy during this difficult time.  Thank you."

Week 6 Recap

Well we can tell there's some byes starting, because this scores this week were pretty horrendous all around. 

This matchup is a prime example of some shitty scores.  Remember when I was talking about Brown's bad luck last week?  Turns out playing James solves that problem (where do I sign up?).  Brown got the win despite going against the WR trio of Marques Colston, Chris Givens, and Ryan Broyles.  That seriously has to be the worst WR trio I've ever seen.  I'd venture to say that's the worst WR trio ever fielded by a fantasy team in a 10-team league.  And I'm talking in the entire history of fantasy football.  They have combined for 115 points for the year, or a whopping 19 points per week.  From 3 players.  Combined.  He also continues to start Eli Manning, who is averaging a shade over 10 points per week.  Wow.  Good win for Brown who crawls out of the basement, all the way into 9th place.

Bry wins this heavyweight battle and does so pretty handily.  He also gained 30 points on the first place team in the process and moved two games up on Matt/Sean, the other threat for a bye.  Matt/Sean were without Matt Ryan and I guess this is my fault, but I should've made it clear that you don't HAVE to start a quarterback in the flex.  Any position can start there.  This is the only explanation I can come up with as to why a savvy manager such as Matt Ficeto, would think it's a good idea to start Ryan Fitzpatrick in Seattle.  I actually think 6 points was the best case scenario.  They are #1 in points in the league still, so I should back off a bit, but c'mon...Ryan Fitzpatrick?

Bry's stars kind of let him down here, but he got two bounce back performances from guys previously thought of as fantasy studs.  Cam Newton lit up the Vikings and looked like he did as a rookie, and in Tampa, Mike Glennon found out being a QB is much easier when you just throw it up to VJax and let him make a play. Bry is in the driver's seat now for a bye.

Speaking of byes, Hill is inline for one as well.  Not a great score for Hill, but Scott.....oh boy Scott.... I know Cobb got hurt (and stayed hurt) but this team is falling apart.  Kappy looks like he's destined to be a bust.  Vick is injured.  Cobb is injured.  Doug Martin isn't getting goal line carries.  Chris Johnson continues to be Chris Johnson.  Alex Smith refuses to throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field.  Even Scott's kicker got hurt:

Hill's team did enough to keep first place by about 20 points over Bry, but that gap is closing quickly.  Murray got hurt, but Ray Rice is ready to slot in there and Hill shouldn't miss a beat.  A little concerning is Jordan Cameron, who for two weeks in a row was not a featured part of the offense.  But other than that, not much to worry about here.  A good squad that should get a bye.

Hemrick's team is starting to mount a comeback here.  The high scorer of the week is now 4th in points and 4th in the league.  Justin Blackmon, on a team without a QB, is coming through big time for Hemrick.  And this week, Knowshon Moreno won Broncos Bingo and was given all the touchdowns.  Next week it might be Decker or Thomas or Thomas or Welker, but this week it was Moreno.  He put up 180 points with Megatron doing nothing.  Impressive display for Hemrick

Ferencz was hanging in there for a while, but Moreno's big day kind of buried Joe.  Amazingly, the Andre Ellington play worked out, but Garrett Graham, and really all the Texans but Foster, was a disappointment in a game they were expected to dominate.  Ferencz moves down to 8th, but I still think this team is a playoff team.

Mintz' win puts him at 3-3 and in position to make the playoffs.  Andy Dalton almost doubled the score of Peyton Manning.  Both his reach receivers scored touchdowns.  And despite whiffing with his running backs, he still put up 155 points and a win.

So the towel is in my hand.  My arm is raised in a throwing motion, but I can't bring myself to do it just yet.  This week I play the first place team though.  That might make me throw it.  This is pretty simple, if my QB's suck, so does my team.  I do love Jamaal Charles though.

And this is why bad luck kills a team, because everyone is bound to have a down week, but at 1-4 a down week will kill you and it pretty much has killed me.  The GM is not happy and has promised changes to the media.  Stay tuned, things could get interesting.

'Everyone but the center'

Congrats Brown on the win... eat Chinese food to celebrate!!

Monday Implications

Good Afternoon All,

   My name is Chris and I will being doing the Monday Implications for you to probably not enjoy.

McManning Face v Red Headed Step Child

   Well...this is the reason I am doing it this morning/afternoon.  Paul is losing, about to go to 1-5 on the season, trailing Mintz 131.43 to 89.80.  So this means, unless there is a miracle where V. Brown, Luck and Woodhead put up 10000000 more points than Rivers and TRich, I will probably being doing most of the blogging from here on out, which is a shame because he is much better at it.  Prediction here is RHSC holds of MF and neither need to watch the game tonight to see the outcome.

The Holo What v Flames

   No real implications, Joe is down by like 27 w. only a D to go and Hemrick has some player going.  But it was real nice hanging out with you fella's yesterday.

Lacy in your Facey v Mr. McGibblets

  All day I was following this matchup as it has a direct implication on my standings in this great league that Paul has created but unfortunately is about to check out of mentally.  Bry's total was projected higher and higher during the day to score way over 180 pts...well the day ended and he is stuck @ 164.15 w/ no one to play and just under 27 pt lead.  Matt/Sean/Hills team has Gates left, and coming into the year no one thought Gates would do much, well he is the only thing really doing anything on the Chargers.  Is 27 pts a lot.. yes.. is it a distinct possibility.....in my opinion (and hope) is a definite YES.  So while Bry may have it, he should stay up really late, not get any sleep to make sure he holds on. (and my prediction is he will)

PromNiteDumpsterBaby v Hill Hunter

  Wow...does it matter who wins this.. both teams have put up pathetic efforts.  James may be sleeping better w/ his new sleep machine and Brown may have mastered dog training, but neither are any good any fielding a fantasy football team.  Brown is up by 5 w/ Wayne to go and James has Fleener.  I dunno...who cares I guess...ill say Wayne outscores Fleener therefore putting this matchup to bed and Brown gets his second win of the year and James' freefall continues (and should trade me Brees).  Lets just hope 1 of them breaks 100.

That is all.. everyone enjoy your Monday, if you have off god-speed.. if not you are like the minority. And I will end this w/ my favorite GIF of this Sunday



Bonus GIF for Paul...

Hey, How Cold Is Your Beer?

The Simpsonssssssss!

TGIF!

Inspirational Friday Poster:

The Nugget Challenge

Paul has challenge me this Sunday to a McNugget Challenge.  I have 40 minutes to eat 40 McDonalds Chicken McNuggets.  It is a $20 bet, plus the cost of the nuggets.   I believe I will accomplish this challenge, but it is more difficult than I think I originally thought.

If you will be at my house on Sunday, then you will get to witness this challenge.

Happy Friday!

Bry - here is a little lesson for you

Anatomy of the Neck

Nice neck asshole