The Storyteller:
The Life Of The Party:
The Ladies Man:
The Parole Officer:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
Happy Birthday Brown, you old fuck.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Happy Birthday To That Jewish Kid In Our League
You know who I'm talking about.
The Storyteller:
The Life Of The Party:
The Ladies Man:
The Parole Officer:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
Happy Birthday Brown, you old fuck.
The Storyteller:
The Life Of The Party:
The Ladies Man:
The Parole Officer:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
The Jew:
Happy Birthday Brown, you old fuck.
Ryan Hemrick, Sandwich Fest's Favorite Pastafarian, Arrested In Russia!
Eight people, who refer to themselves as "Pastafarians", were detained by police in Moscow for participating in an unsanctioned protest.
"Pastafarians" are followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They were advocating a boycott of all religious based alcohols (presumably this does not include Vodka, particularly when mixed with Minute Maid Low-Calorie Lemonade).
We have all seen Hemrick give praise to the F.S.M. (no disrespect meant Hemrick) on may occasions during the Sandwich Fest season and at this point his whereabouts are unknown. We can only assume he has sacrificed for the cause.
If anyone has seen this man, please get a message out to the American Embassy ASAP.
"Pastafarians" are followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They were advocating a boycott of all religious based alcohols (presumably this does not include Vodka, particularly when mixed with Minute Maid Low-Calorie Lemonade).
We have all seen Hemrick give praise to the F.S.M. (no disrespect meant Hemrick) on may occasions during the Sandwich Fest season and at this point his whereabouts are unknown. We can only assume he has sacrificed for the cause.
If anyone has seen this man, please get a message out to the American Embassy ASAP.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Fantasy Football Injury Report
Another week of preseason games have concluded and with that comes more injuries. With only one more week left, hopefully we don't see any injuries to big-time players since I plan on having them all on my team.
Already a weak position, TE was hit with two injuries to sleepers.
Dustin Keller, formerly of the Jets, now of the Dolphins completely blew up his right knee. He tore his ACL, MCL, PCL, menisci and dislocated it. I haven't seen it, but I'd imagine it looked something like this:
He's out for the year. Obviously.
Colts TE Coby Fleener, who may or may not have had a big role in the Colts offense this year, left the game vs the G-Men with a "sprained" knee. Sprained is what they always say until the MRI shows a torn ACL. Then they say "torn ACL - out for the year." That MRI is still pending however but we should know today or tomorrow if he'll be draftable. Keep an eye on it, b/c I doubt you'll see an update from me.
Also in this game, Victor Cruz bruised heel by running on it. Running is a prerequisite for his job, preferably at a high speed. If he can't run, he won't have much fantasy value. This is one of those injuries that could be nothing and heel (get it?) in a week or two, or could nag him all year. Something to consider for all you Giants fans that were going to take Cruz as a WR1. /nodding at mintz
The Packers WRs are in some rough shape. Jordy Nelson had surgery and they are hoping he'll be back for Week 1, but it's a nerve issue, so they can't be certain.
Even worse, Randall Cobb, a bona fide WR1 in the Patented Sandwich Fest Advanced Scoring System (patent pending) has been out of practice and both preseason games with a biceps injury. I feel like a biceps injury is one you just throw some dirt on and get on with it. Apparently he's ready to do just that once Week 1 comes around, but he could lose out on his kick return duties, making him a candidate to find himself off Balls Deep this year.
Already a weak position, TE was hit with two injuries to sleepers.
Dustin Keller, formerly of the Jets, now of the Dolphins completely blew up his right knee. He tore his ACL, MCL, PCL, menisci and dislocated it. I haven't seen it, but I'd imagine it looked something like this:
Colts TE Coby Fleener, who may or may not have had a big role in the Colts offense this year, left the game vs the G-Men with a "sprained" knee. Sprained is what they always say until the MRI shows a torn ACL. Then they say "torn ACL - out for the year." That MRI is still pending however but we should know today or tomorrow if he'll be draftable. Keep an eye on it, b/c I doubt you'll see an update from me.
Also in this game, Victor Cruz bruised heel by running on it. Running is a prerequisite for his job, preferably at a high speed. If he can't run, he won't have much fantasy value. This is one of those injuries that could be nothing and heel (get it?) in a week or two, or could nag him all year. Something to consider for all you Giants fans that were going to take Cruz as a WR1. /nodding at mintz
The Packers WRs are in some rough shape. Jordy Nelson had surgery and they are hoping he'll be back for Week 1, but it's a nerve issue, so they can't be certain.
Even worse, Randall Cobb, a bona fide WR1 in the Patented Sandwich Fest Advanced Scoring System (patent pending) has been out of practice and both preseason games with a biceps injury. I feel like a biceps injury is one you just throw some dirt on and get on with it. Apparently he's ready to do just that once Week 1 comes around, but he could lose out on his kick return duties, making him a candidate to find himself off Balls Deep this year.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Happy Birthday Scott
In honor of Scott's birthday, here's some Chris Johnson highlights:
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| "Happy Birthday To Scott, Happy Birthday To Scott" |
Throwback Thursday
This is like that idiotic trend of posting old pictures of you and your friends on facebook from middle / high school or whatever except better. A lot better. I still get made fun of a lot...but it's still better.
==============================
Subject: Week 1 recap - actual
Date: 09/15/2009
The first week of Sandwich Fest is in the books. There were winners, losers, huge embarrassments, and lucky victories. The transactions are picking up as everyone overreacts to the first week of games. Three of the 5 matches hung in the balance going into last night and I expect the upcoming week to be equally as close...just being optimistic really, I have no basis for that thought. Now since I know some of you don't read past the first couple of lines in a rush to try to be a) more witty then the original email (impossible) or to b) complain (the waiver issue is fixed, everyone exhale), I'll just put a reminder up top here about Sandwich Fest Football Feast Volume 1 (feat. special guest star and Michael Strahan's best friend Joe Gannon). Time will be 1 o'clock, venue TBD, but most likely The Main Event in Plainview. As for the Week 1 matches, we'll start w/ the blowouts.
Balls Deep 123.58 (1-0) vs. Stella's Fella 88.90 (0-1)
Yay, James actually gets something written about his team!!! But only after a little praise for the team that tooled him. A solid effort by the Balls Deep (an apt name in this case) squad. Scott didn't have a single player over 20 pts, but every player contributed except of Owen Daniels, who plays for the Texans and they all sucked. Balls Deep had 7 of his 11 players put up at least 10 pts (including his kicker and defense) and if it wasn't for a Tomlinson fumble, it would've been 8. James had a bad week from Rivers (for Rivers anyway), Berrian (did he even play), Portis (who played the G-Men), and Shiancoe (wasn't good enough for the Giants). However James got a promising outing from the Green Bay D, who I ridiculed you for taking in the Draft Recap, although it's still too early to make a clear call on that. Next up for Stella's Fella is Huck N Tuck. Balls Deep will be taking on Donte Drink N Drive.
PitinosAbortedFetus 139.06 (1-0) vs. Whammy 73.84 (0-1)
Whammy: a bad name, and a worse team (whammy!). Although he could've had any other team in the league and still lost to Ferencz, who got the best week out of any defense in the history of fantasy football (Phila, 34pts). Short of that, and Tom Brady, Pitino might be more smoke and mirrors then a talent, but it's the first week and he's in first place so I can't go crazy here can I? Whammy already got Willie Parker out of his starting line up so that will help. Maybe putting the 40-year-old QB with a bum shoulder, who hadn't gone to training camp, played in only 3 quarters in the preseason, and is trying to learn a new offense in the Flex spot wasn't the best move. Or maybe that's just my 4th cup of coffee talking (jk, it was a bad move). Live and learn Bry, live and learn..
Week 2: Pitino vs penismightier; Whammy vs I Love Mams.
OsiEatsBabies 74.64 (1-0) vs. Donte Drink & Drive 72.34 (0-1)
Well this was the closest game of the weekend...that's about all I got on this one. 74 points? Really? That won? Even Whammy could've won this (just piling on now for fun). Osi and Donte, to their credit, are both working the free agent market trying to upgrade their teams in the wake of this disturbingly pathetic effort. Osi got subpar outings from Dallas Clark, Roddy White, Steve Slaton, and Lee Evans. Two will come around, two I have my doubts on, specifics will not be given so as to not give advice, but I don't believe this team is this bad. Ray Rice put up a TD and he also had the Jets D on the bench. Donte is still putting his team together after his no-show for the draft. He fell victim to the Texans as well as Matt Schaub did his best Jason Campbell impression, and no one would start Jason Campbell would they? (hint: Joe Ferencz did). Aside from that, he just had an off week but has a talented roster (Turner and Jacobs did nothing) and he already got rid of Laveranues Coles. He also brought in Cadillac Williams who looked good but will most likely blow a tire (get it? It's a car reference. That's funny.) again and leave Sean cursing the Flying Spaghetti Monster once again.
Week 2: Osi vs Antonio; Donte vs Balls Deep.
thepenismighier 118.72 (1-0) vs. AntoniosGotAGun 111.64 (0-1)
Zach Miller crushed my hopes and dreams less the 10 mins into the game last night. I held out hope that the Raiders would be an atrocity, but like the Bills, they played winning football for 3 and half quarters, before finally playing like the Raiders. Brown was able to survive despite a kicker that put up a -2 (true story) thanks mostly to Peterson (AP28 - can I pull that off as a nickname? I think he deserves one) and Matt Hasselbeck. Also remember when I took Baltimore just before him and let him punch me in the face b/c of it? Well he took Pittsburgh instead and outscored me 15-3. At least I got punched in the face though...awesome. We both had NOTHING from our WRs, Steve Smith (carolina) B Edwards and Housh for Brown and A Johnson, Royal and D Jackson for me. This match really came down to defense and Peterson and I lost on both counts. I did have the most points of any losing team, but the key there is LOSING team, kms. Congrats to Brown on a solid week and an exciting match that you were lucky to win.
Week 2: see above.
Huck N Tuck 133.50 (1-0) vs. I Love (Fedor's) Mams 108.90 (0-1)
This was the last close match going into last night but Huck pulled away thanks to Moss, Gates and Kaeding. The San Diego D didn't do nearly enough for Mams to keep him in this game. All in all though a good first fantasy week for Hemrick who put up a very respectable number. Romo and Reggie Wayne killed it for Mams, and he got the screwgie when Anthony Gonzalez left the Colts game early (although Wayne probably would've put up less points then). Matt Forte will be better in the future Hemrick, don't get discouraged yet. As for Huck, two words: Drew Brees. Also nice pickup w/ Mike Bell who put up a 12-spot. The rest of his team was average, but he got a minimum of 7 points from every position and the Giants D (thanks to Osi) put up a 15. Huck was #1 in the preseason rankings and showed why in week 1. He plays Stella's Fella next week and if you check the posts on the league website you'll know why this could be some fun smack talk to read throughout the week. Mams takes on Whammy.
POWER RANKNGS - Week 1
1. Huck N Tuck - put up a solid week, no need to move him down now.
2. PitinosAbortedFetus - I know you have more points, but if your defense puts up over 30 pts again I'll convert to Judaism.
3. thepenismighter - I f'n hate Adrian Peterson
4. Balls Deep - solid yet unspectacular in victory
5. AntoniosGotAGun - I know I lost, but I had the most points out of all the losers and if you win with under 80 pts, it doesn't count*
6. I Love Mams - put up over a hundo in his first week.
7. Stella's Fella - made me eat it on the Green Bay D. 2 good QB's and Rivers will be better next week.
8. Donte Drink & Drive - yes he ranks ahead of the team he lost to. Team is good, he's just working out the kinks right now.
9. OsiEatsBabies - you won, so you have that going for you and your WRs will be better, but get a QB, seriously.
10.Whammy - not all hope is lost. Gore looked good, and Warner can't be that bad all year so Boldin has to be better and Parker is already out of his starting lineup.
* - new official commissioner rule
| Paul Cipriano |
| Liability Claim Representative
ELCO Administrative Services
PO Box 541548
Flushing, NY 11354
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| 718-762-3020 ext. 306 direct 718-762-3119 fax |
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| 2009 Draft Results |
"I can't figure out this dumb blog crap...so here is my post" - Sean Wachter
(That title is an actual quote from an actual I.T. guy.)
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Who is the worst team owner in the league?
What you see below is a draft made by a certain owner in the league. It's been sitting in the "draft" box for about a month. Rather than let it sit there, I thought, why not let this see the light of day? All italics are the commish.
Well we all know I am most consistent FFB Sandwichfest Manager since we started this so who has been the worst? Here are some options in no particular order
1) Matt/Sean
1) mainly do each other in the butt
2) he constantly screams in his emails (see also: Brown, Fame)
3) his teams have been just subpar (real creative Hill)
side note: excellent dog trainer and loves Little Giants so take that into consideration
2) Mike Mintz?
1) Questionable drafting strategy - ie. Hearbreak Kid and Tim Hightower?
2) inventor of the quad box tape.
3) has he made the playoffs?
3) James Guerriero?
1) his last name is incredibly hard to spell
2) Does no research whatsoever
3) for a while he was doing Yoga over watching football
4) spent an entire season making a single speed bike instead of watching football. Side bet: over/under times he's ridden that bike? The line is 2.
4) Fame Brown
1) once had a blowout
2) once drafted Heath Miller instead of Zach Miller
3) prefers Chinese food over football Sunday.
Id also put Joe on here, but for sympathy reasons, I cant...those dead parents are really paying off for you Joe. Wouldn't want to be on this list /sarcasm. (but seriously Joe, read one draft preview in the next two weeks please.)
Thoughts?
Well we all know I am most consistent FFB Sandwichfest Manager since we started this so who has been the worst? Here are some options in no particular order
1) Matt/Sean
1) mainly do each other in the butt
2) he constantly screams in his emails (see also: Brown, Fame)
3) his teams have been just subpar (real creative Hill)
side note: excellent dog trainer and loves Little Giants so take that into consideration
2) Mike Mintz?
1) Questionable drafting strategy - ie. Hearbreak Kid and Tim Hightower?
2) inventor of the quad box tape.
3) has he made the playoffs?
3) James Guerriero?
1) his last name is incredibly hard to spell
2) Does no research whatsoever
3) for a while he was doing Yoga over watching football
4) spent an entire season making a single speed bike instead of watching football. Side bet: over/under times he's ridden that bike? The line is 2.
4) Fame Brown
1) once had a blowout
2) once drafted Heath Miller instead of Zach Miller
3) prefers Chinese food over football Sunday.
Id also put Joe on here, but for sympathy reasons, I cant...those dead parents are really paying off for you Joe. Wouldn't want to be on this list /sarcasm. (but seriously Joe, read one draft preview in the next two weeks please.)
Thoughts?
2012 Sandwich Fest Off Season Review: Running Backs
Last week I did you all a favor and reviewed the QB's. This week the RBs. This shit is WEIRD. The top half is who you would expect. The bottom half is where it gets a little dicey. Here's the top 20 as per Sandwich Fest's patented Advanced Scoring System (patent pending).
1. Adrian "All-Day" Peterson - 353.40 pts. He was nine yards away from setting the all-time rushing record, so I'd say it's no surprise he's #1. That he's #1 by 40 points is a bit of a shock but that's why they call him All-Day. Remember when we were wondering if he could come back from an ACL? Me either. He's the best running back since Barry Sanders. He's going to be the #1 pick in our upcoming draft. Right Bry?
2. Doug Martin - 314.60 pts. This guy would be closer to AP except he took about 7 weeks to start doing anything. I know because I traded him after 6 weeks. Hill reaped the rewards and rode The Muscle Hampster (worst nickname ever) to the finals. Thru his first 6 games (7 weeks) he was averaging 68 yards per game and had 2 TDs total. In Week 8 he went for 135 and a TD. In Week 9 he rushed for TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY ONE YARDS AND FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TD'S. Fuck you Hill, I should've let you ruin your season.
3. Arian Foster - 302.10. Almost a shock he's not higher. Foster has 41 TD's in the last 3 seasons. When healthy, he catches the ball, runs for big yardage and converts inside the 5. Let's face it, the Texas have two players, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster. The only question with Foster is how much longer can he do it without completely breaking down?
6. Darren Sproles - 260.50
7. C.J. Spiller - 255.30
8. Alfred Morris - 255.00
9. Trent Richardson - 254.70
10.Jamaal Charles - 245.15
As you can see the guys at 6 through 9 were less than 6 points apart. Sproles in a PPR with return yards was a lock for Top 10 in Sandwich Fest.
Spiller always had the talent, and finally took over when Fred Jackson got injured and never looked back.
Trent Richardson is starting to get the "if healthy" caveat and it could stick, but he's a potential stud in the making.
Charles rushed for over 1500 yards when the Chiefs were almost as bad at QB as the Cardinals. Only had 5 TDs and 35 catches. I expect that to go up this year.
I saved Al Morris for last because he doesn't catch the ball, and I'm not convinced he's going to get 335 carries again this year. The other 4 all seem to be trending up and any of them could be in the top 5 in Sandwich Fest in 2013.
11. Frank Gore - 230.80
12. Matt Forte - 221.40
13. Chris Johnson - 211.50
14. Reggie Bush - 206.80
15. Stevan Ridley - 205.40
How about Frankie Gore still getting it done as an RB2? He's a guy I'll never draft but is rock solid especially in that offense. I believe he was on Hill's team last year and provided a nice depth play once Doug Martin got going.
Matty Forte get vultured by Michael Bush on the regular, but catches enough passes to make him viable in The Fest.
Chris Johnson had his moments but doesn't look like he'll ever bounce back into top 5 territory. He'll no doubt still be Scott's first-round pick come August 30th.
Reggie Bush moves on to Detroit where he could improve on the 35 catches he had in 2012.
Ridley is a pain in the ass to own. The Patriots will start a fourth-string lineman at RB if they think the have an advantage. Ridley was off the field far too much, but still topped 200 points. He's talented, but needs playing time. He also won't catch any passes.
16. Steven Jackson
17. Lesean McCoy
18. Shonn Greene
19. Mikel Leshoure
20. Ahmad Bradshaw
This is where it starts getting weird. Shonn Greene? Who would've ever guess Shonn Greene was an RB2 in The Fest? It's making me question our entire scoring system. I feel like the league's integrity is in question. If I could Photoshop, I'd have removed him from the list. And what's Lesean McCoy doing down here? Is he "injury prone" or was it a freak thing? Is he the new Steven Jackson or will he bounce back?
 |
| (click to enlarge) |
1. Adrian "All-Day" Peterson - 353.40 pts. He was nine yards away from setting the all-time rushing record, so I'd say it's no surprise he's #1. That he's #1 by 40 points is a bit of a shock but that's why they call him All-Day. Remember when we were wondering if he could come back from an ACL? Me either. He's the best running back since Barry Sanders. He's going to be the #1 pick in our upcoming draft. Right Bry?
2. Doug Martin - 314.60 pts. This guy would be closer to AP except he took about 7 weeks to start doing anything. I know because I traded him after 6 weeks. Hill reaped the rewards and rode The Muscle Hampster (worst nickname ever) to the finals. Thru his first 6 games (7 weeks) he was averaging 68 yards per game and had 2 TDs total. In Week 8 he went for 135 and a TD. In Week 9 he rushed for TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY ONE YARDS AND FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TD'S. Fuck you Hill, I should've let you ruin your season.
3. Arian Foster - 302.10. Almost a shock he's not higher. Foster has 41 TD's in the last 3 seasons. When healthy, he catches the ball, runs for big yardage and converts inside the 5. Let's face it, the Texas have two players, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster. The only question with Foster is how much longer can he do it without completely breaking down?
4. Ray Rice - 283.10. Rice ran for 1,143 and caught 60 passes and I still expected more from him. Bernard Pierce came out of nowhere and took whole series from Rice. Regardless, he's firmly in the 2012 top 5 for Sandwich Fest. Without Pitta and Boldin for 2013, the Ravens are suddenly looking very Jetsian so Rice might get even more catches this year. He might be the most durable of all the fantasy studs (no homo) too. Some backs are nipping at his heels this year and he could fall out of the top 5, but still should be an RB1.
 |
| "Please don't kill me...." |
5. Marshawn Lynch - 269.60. This might be the first surprise on this list. Always a solid #2, Lynch jumped up to the top 5 with over 1,500 yards and 12 total TDs. He was a workhorse for a team with a rookie QB, getting 315 carries and staying healthy all season. Lynch is a beast and he's on a good team so the production carry over.
| Dude loves Skittles |
6. Darren Sproles - 260.50
7. C.J. Spiller - 255.30
8. Alfred Morris - 255.00
9. Trent Richardson - 254.70
10.Jamaal Charles - 245.15
As you can see the guys at 6 through 9 were less than 6 points apart. Sproles in a PPR with return yards was a lock for Top 10 in Sandwich Fest.
Spiller always had the talent, and finally took over when Fred Jackson got injured and never looked back.
Trent Richardson is starting to get the "if healthy" caveat and it could stick, but he's a potential stud in the making.
Charles rushed for over 1500 yards when the Chiefs were almost as bad at QB as the Cardinals. Only had 5 TDs and 35 catches. I expect that to go up this year.
I saved Al Morris for last because he doesn't catch the ball, and I'm not convinced he's going to get 335 carries again this year. The other 4 all seem to be trending up and any of them could be in the top 5 in Sandwich Fest in 2013.
| You might be worse this year. Still good. But worse. |
12. Matt Forte - 221.40
13. Chris Johnson - 211.50
14. Reggie Bush - 206.80
15. Stevan Ridley - 205.40
How about Frankie Gore still getting it done as an RB2? He's a guy I'll never draft but is rock solid especially in that offense. I believe he was on Hill's team last year and provided a nice depth play once Doug Martin got going.
Matty Forte get vultured by Michael Bush on the regular, but catches enough passes to make him viable in The Fest.
Chris Johnson had his moments but doesn't look like he'll ever bounce back into top 5 territory. He'll no doubt still be Scott's first-round pick come August 30th.
Reggie Bush moves on to Detroit where he could improve on the 35 catches he had in 2012.
Ridley is a pain in the ass to own. The Patriots will start a fourth-string lineman at RB if they think the have an advantage. Ridley was off the field far too much, but still topped 200 points. He's talented, but needs playing time. He also won't catch any passes.
16. Steven Jackson
17. Lesean McCoy
18. Shonn Greene
19. Mikel Leshoure
20. Ahmad Bradshaw
This is where it starts getting weird. Shonn Greene? Who would've ever guess Shonn Greene was an RB2 in The Fest? It's making me question our entire scoring system. I feel like the league's integrity is in question. If I could Photoshop, I'd have removed him from the list. And what's Lesean McCoy doing down here? Is he "injury prone" or was it a freak thing? Is he the new Steven Jackson or will he bounce back?
| I quit |
Monday, August 12, 2013
Poor Bry
I finally signed up for the league and there was a little message on the league page saying the following:
Bry...you should get on that huh?
No Medals Yet...
Amazingly, Bryan has not earned ANY medals in this league.Bry...you should get on that huh?
Dallas Clark Signs With Ravens
This is probably not a big deal, but the Ravens brought in Dallas Clark, who was good when he was 5 years younger and had Peyton Manning as his QB. At 34 and with Joe Flacco as his QB, I'm guessing not so much. But the Ravens need help. Dennis Pitta is out for the year. Ed Dickson has been fighting a hamstring injury. There's no promising rookie to dream on. So Dallas Clark it is. Good luck with that.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
A New York Jets Icon Retires
When one thinks of the most famous plays in Jets history, they might think back to a win that shaped the NFL as we know it, Super Bowl III. They may think of the New York Sack Exchange of the '80s. Or maybe the Parcells Jets of the late '90s.
For me though, the play that stands out as a microcosm of the Jets franchise can be summed up in one word: Buttfumble.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to take the "butt" out of the buttfumble. Former Jets offensive lineman Brandon Moore has retired after 10 seasons in the NFL, all the with Jets. He played many plays for the Jets in that time, but let's take a look at his finest moment - for without his butt, this could've never happened:
You can see the full video at Deadspin
Here it is with advanced audio:
Here it is with the Benny Hill music:
Here it is recorded off some guys TV:
Here it is as a GIF:
Here it is as a meme:
Here it is as a New York Post headline:
Here it is as a single-panel cartoon:
For me though, the play that stands out as a microcosm of the Jets franchise can be summed up in one word: Buttfumble.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to take the "butt" out of the buttfumble. Former Jets offensive lineman Brandon Moore has retired after 10 seasons in the NFL, all the with Jets. He played many plays for the Jets in that time, but let's take a look at his finest moment - for without his butt, this could've never happened:
You can see the full video at Deadspin
Here it is with advanced audio:
Here it is with the Benny Hill music:
Here it is recorded off some guys TV:
Here it is as a GIF:
Here it is as a meme:
Here it is as a New York Post headline:
Here it is as a single-panel cartoon:
Here is the moment we almost lost Sanchez up Moore's ass:
And here's an American Icon thinking about an American Icon:
Thank You Brandon Moore. You will not soon be forgotten.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Fantasy Football Injury Report
Two more WRs went down yesterday in practice.
Jordy Nelson has a nerve issue in his knee and instead of playing through pain all year, decided to have surgery to fix it. The Packers are hopeful he'll be back Week 1, but I'd say this knocks him down a couple of rounds in the draft. I figured we'd see Nelson go as a WR2 in Sandwich Fest, with some decent upside considering who his QB is, but I'd think this downgrades him to a WR3, or worse.
Not coming back for Week 1 is Chargers WR Denario Alexander - who fucking KILLED The Defending Champs in the playoffs last year (27.8 pts) - because he has torn his ACL. Alexander had 3 monster games last year and is a talented but often injured WR. I was actually hoping to pick him up as a nice high upside play. Now I'll have to find someone else.
Not coming back for Week 1 is Chargers WR Denario Alexander - who fucking KILLED The Defending Champs in the playoffs last year (27.8 pts) - because he has torn his ACL. Alexander had 3 monster games last year and is a talented but often injured WR. I was actually hoping to pick him up as a nice high upside play. Now I'll have to find someone else.
Monday, August 5, 2013
2012 Sandwich Fest Season Review: Quarterbacks
If you're looking for a respite from the A-Rod coverage, please allow Sandwich Fest to be your desert oasis. On tap for today is a look back at the top 20 quarterbacks as per Sandwich Fest's patented Advanced QB Scoring System (patent pending).
1. Aaron Rodgers - 431.60 pts. Clearly I'm not as dumb as Hemrick would have you believe since I traded for the #1 QB, Aaron Rodgers.
He just needed 1.96 more points in our opening round playoff matchup and you'd be looking at the two-time defending champion. Instead, I get shit from Hemrick. I'm over it. Swear. Obviously he'll be top-5 again. If you pick Aaron Rodgers and aren't an ungrateful bastard like Hemrick, you won't be disappointed.
2. Tom Brady - 417.78 pts. Speaking of not being disappointed, The Tom Brady Show checks in at #2. Hill and myself and anyone who's owned Tom Brady can tell you how fun it is. Pencil him for 30 every week and don't worry about the QB1 spot. The question is, can the great Tom Brady still be a top-5 QB without Aaron Hernandez (killed a bunch of people), Wes Welker (in Denver), and a compromised Gronk with his weekly off-season surgeries? Yes, he can. I mean, check this guy out. He has the hair Bry's always wanted.
3. Drew Brees - 410.58 pts. The Drew Brees hype is ramping up with Sean Peyton back and the same complement of weapons. He was the lone bright spot on PromNiteDumpsterBaby's also-ran squad and is no doubt looking forward to a new year. He has James Graham, so he should throw for at least 89 TDs this year.
4. Peyton Manning - 402.46 pts. The 2nd piece of the Defending Champs all-star QB roster was Mr. Peyton Manning. Much like Tom Brady, if Peyton Manning is on the field, I expect him to dominate, and he did. He's back for 2013 and is top-5 option after finishing #4 last year. Even at age 37, he's still rocking a Grade A Manning Face as well.
5. Matt Ryan - 402.36 pts. Rounding out the top 5 is Matty Ice. He's also the last QB to top 400 Sandwich Fest points last year and it's not hard to see why. Accurate QB, throws in a dome, and has 3 elite receiving options and this year gets Steven Jackson to join the offense. No reason to think he won't be close to this again in 2013.
6-10. RGIII, Tony Romo, Cam Newton, Matthew Stafford, and Russell Wilson. Six through 10 includes four young QBs with upside and Tony Romo, who people used to hate, but now I think only Cowboys fans hate.
RGIII leads this group with 370 points, and could've hit 400 had he not missed a game. Unfortunately that could happen a lot. Dude took some big hits. And this:
But he was an absolute BEAST last year when healthy. Right Hill?
I'm surprised to see Russell Wilson made the top ten, but probably more surprised to see Newton and Stafford up this high. It seemed like they could've been even better, especially coming off big 2011 seasons. With Stafford, it took him awhile to get going. In his first five games, Stafford only had a QBR over 80 once and that was enough to kill Bry's season. And as far as I'm concerned, Cam Newton sabotaged The Holo What?, and I believe killed Joe's parents. What an asshole.
11-15. Matt Schaub, Andy Dalton, Andrew Luck, Joe Flacco, Ben Roethlisberger. Seeing Schaub, Flacco, Benny McRape, and to a lesser extent Andy Dalton, in the top 15 makes me feel like QB isn't as deep as I thought. Flacco already was without Anquan Boldin, and now Dennis Pitta is out too. Ol' Rapey has a rookie RB and lost Mike Wallace. Aside from Luck, this is a shaky group.
16-20. Eli Manning, Carson Palmer, Sam Bradford, Phil Rivers, Josh Freeman. Still not feeling great about this group. Although Eli, Palmer and Sammy are all in better situations this year (Eli due to injuries; Palmer in a better offense in Arizona; Rams using the draft to help out Bradford). The other two I think are almost done, Freeman especially.
Of the crew at 11-20, I can easily see 5 of them falling out of the top 20 this year. Who replaces them? Well for one, Kaepernick will get a full season now. And don't be surprised if this guy:
makes a jump with a new offensive coordinator and The Black Unicorn at TE. Other than those two, we could see Tannehill and Brandon Weeden get into that 16-20 range.
The Sandwich Fest patented Advanced QB Scoring System (patent pending) always makes QB's a unique proposition. Do you plan to play one in the flex or not? It's no longer an automatic.
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| (click to enlarge) |
2. Tom Brady - 417.78 pts. Speaking of not being disappointed, The Tom Brady Show checks in at #2. Hill and myself and anyone who's owned Tom Brady can tell you how fun it is. Pencil him for 30 every week and don't worry about the QB1 spot. The question is, can the great Tom Brady still be a top-5 QB without Aaron Hernandez (killed a bunch of people), Wes Welker (in Denver), and a compromised Gronk with his weekly off-season surgeries? Yes, he can. I mean, check this guy out. He has the hair Bry's always wanted.
3. Drew Brees - 410.58 pts. The Drew Brees hype is ramping up with Sean Peyton back and the same complement of weapons. He was the lone bright spot on PromNiteDumpsterBaby's also-ran squad and is no doubt looking forward to a new year. He has James Graham, so he should throw for at least 89 TDs this year.
 |
| obligatory James Graham photo |
4. Peyton Manning - 402.46 pts. The 2nd piece of the Defending Champs all-star QB roster was Mr. Peyton Manning. Much like Tom Brady, if Peyton Manning is on the field, I expect him to dominate, and he did. He's back for 2013 and is top-5 option after finishing #4 last year. Even at age 37, he's still rocking a Grade A Manning Face as well.
5. Matt Ryan - 402.36 pts. Rounding out the top 5 is Matty Ice. He's also the last QB to top 400 Sandwich Fest points last year and it's not hard to see why. Accurate QB, throws in a dome, and has 3 elite receiving options and this year gets Steven Jackson to join the offense. No reason to think he won't be close to this again in 2013.
6-10. RGIII, Tony Romo, Cam Newton, Matthew Stafford, and Russell Wilson. Six through 10 includes four young QBs with upside and Tony Romo, who people used to hate, but now I think only Cowboys fans hate.
RGIII leads this group with 370 points, and could've hit 400 had he not missed a game. Unfortunately that could happen a lot. Dude took some big hits. And this:
 |
| "I broke my knee man" |
I'm surprised to see Russell Wilson made the top ten, but probably more surprised to see Newton and Stafford up this high. It seemed like they could've been even better, especially coming off big 2011 seasons. With Stafford, it took him awhile to get going. In his first five games, Stafford only had a QBR over 80 once and that was enough to kill Bry's season. And as far as I'm concerned, Cam Newton sabotaged The Holo What?, and I believe killed Joe's parents. What an asshole.
11-15. Matt Schaub, Andy Dalton, Andrew Luck, Joe Flacco, Ben Roethlisberger. Seeing Schaub, Flacco, Benny McRape, and to a lesser extent Andy Dalton, in the top 15 makes me feel like QB isn't as deep as I thought. Flacco already was without Anquan Boldin, and now Dennis Pitta is out too. Ol' Rapey has a rookie RB and lost Mike Wallace. Aside from Luck, this is a shaky group.
16-20. Eli Manning, Carson Palmer, Sam Bradford, Phil Rivers, Josh Freeman. Still not feeling great about this group. Although Eli, Palmer and Sammy are all in better situations this year (Eli due to injuries; Palmer in a better offense in Arizona; Rams using the draft to help out Bradford). The other two I think are almost done, Freeman especially.
Of the crew at 11-20, I can easily see 5 of them falling out of the top 20 this year. Who replaces them? Well for one, Kaepernick will get a full season now. And don't be surprised if this guy:
The Sandwich Fest patented Advanced QB Scoring System (patent pending) always makes QB's a unique proposition. Do you plan to play one in the flex or not? It's no longer an automatic.
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